I got it all together but I forgot where I put it.

It’s your average fall evening, I’m curled up in my desk chair with an “Autumn Leaves” scented candle burning next to me, and there’s live jazz (my new upstairs neighbor blowing into what I think is a saxophone) playing above me. This night is so basic and I will eat up every second of it. I already have a load of laundry finishing in the dryer, my dinner is prepped and sitting in the fridge, I dragged my butt out of bed at 6am this morning to run the 4 miles I told myself I had to do today, and now here I am writing (at last!), so I’m in a great mood. I’m not even going to be mad about the racket from this unexpected woodwind above me because if new neighbor is home now, the chances of him stumbling in drunk and waking me up at 2:30am like he did last Monday, Thursday, anddd Friday are looking pretty slim.

I can’t say for sure why I stopped writing publicly but I did put it on the back-burner when I started a new position at work this past year. Now I’m wishing I had made it more of a priority, especially because the reporting from Google Analytics revealed this site was getting more traffic than I ever imagined it would. (I'm hoping you’ll use the new comment box at the end of articles so I can at least know who some of you actually are.) Writing on here is something that makes me happy and since I’m the type of person who finds comfort in relating to things I come across when reading content others post, I’d like to think those of you reading this can relate to certain things I write too.

2016 is wrapping up at what feels like the speed of light, there’s been drastic organizational changes taking place at work, I’m somewhat-recently single, it’s most likely our last year in our apartment, wedding season is in full swing, OUR PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF, and it appears I’ve entered another significant transitional period of my life that I really didn’t anticipate. (I know, you’re thinking cry me a river right?)

My first “oh sh*t” moment (cue my parent’s eye-rolls for the use of an obscenity) had arrived back in July, right before my birthday. I had gone for a run one evening after work and was lost in thought thinking about the impending age 28. It was then that it occurred to me that I had accomplished every single thing I wanted to during year 27 - whether big or small - and I felt utterly mind-boggled. I even stopped running so I could take a seat on the nearest bench to *do what I do best* and analyze it more. After I tallied it all up in my head it was confirmed - it was by far my biggest year of growth yet.

27 was the year I started this website which had then lead to a contributing writer position for hobokenhappyhours.com. After being promoted at my full time job, I then ended up getting the entirely new role I had mentioned earlier, in a different area of the business. In an effort to make my apartment feel more like a home I allowed myself to spend a substantial amount of money and make adult purchases on things like a couch, a wine shelf, and a specific designer purse I always wanted. (The purse obviously being crucial to this exercise.) It had been a year of significantly less Sunday-Fundays because I’m SO mature now. (But really because not being able to drag myself out of bed the next morning was a serious issue.) I made an essential effort to focus on positive relationships. I started spending more time with the friends who brought happiness to my life and I slowly spaced myself away from people who didn’t. (This showed me sometimes breaking up with a friend hurts more than breaking up with a guy.) When it came to guys, I fell out of love with a person I had been on and off with for years and I started a new relationship with someone else I had admired. I forced myself to become a better runner. I ordered less takeout and signed up for sites like Home Chef and HelloFresh in (somewhat successful) attempts to be a better cook. I did a decent amount of traveling. I read a ton of books. I even started regularly using face creams. And it all made me so freaking happy. I felt happier than when I got into college, happier than when I graduated college, happier than my first apartment, and my 26th birthday (best one yet), and any new job offer, and any other important moment of true happiness I’ve ever known. But what’s most ludicrous about all of it is that all of it was comprised of smaller moments I didn’t take the time to recognize (to this extent at least) until they were summarized while on my run.

The best advice I got after my most recent break up was from my cousin. She sent me a text that said “You won’t feel as shitty for as long as you think you will.” and it was probably the best thing I could’ve heard. She was right. Yes, my heart was bruised and my world felt a little tilted -- but I knew it was important for me to force myself to see what went wrong or maybe what was never right, own it, and be grateful it happened now rather than later. I think this is probably when my second “oh sh*t” moment started to amass. How many times do we get out of relationships and realize we weren’t being 100% true to ourselves? And this has nothing to do with the other party in any way, shape, or form. If anything maybe it’s a compliment because they had the ability to distract us from ourselves. It felt like I had been wearing relationship-colored glasses. I didn’t feel completely lost but I did feel as though I was shading myself.

Changes at work summarized by senior management as “a transformation of business” (especially before the holidays) will always feel unsettling. So far my role hasn’t been directly affected but sitting here wondering if my department will be abolished or sold off hasn’t made the past few weeks the easiest. And seeing others being let go certainly hasn’t either.

This unanticipated transitional period has prompted me to ask myself a lot of things. Are you living your life to the fullest Anne? How could you possibly think those 2 dirty *extra dry* martinis followed by champagne AND THEN half a bottle of wine would relieve the stress of your week last Friday, Anne? Do you think you’re where you should be right now? Is Hoboken really where you want to live? If you can go anywhere, why exactly are you here? Is your resume updated, Anne? ...why not, Anne? And it goes on and on and on.

On Saturday my second big “oh sh*t” moment had finished being packaged. It was delivered after I accepted that I was significantly hungover but before I started drinking a beer to see if the side effects would subside. The moment revealed I’m ultimately doing what I’m doing because I want to be doing it. I make choices that affect my life every day. Generally speaking, we're always going to at some point catch ourselves in situations we didn’t expect to or want to be in because that’s what life is. We need these unforeseen circumstances to knock us off our axle a little bit because they give us those bumps that wakes us up -- in case we do need adjust to things that would better suit us. I'm not going to up and move to Colorado (yet) but I am going to be more specific when choosing topics for the LinkedIn courses I'm taking and ease up on my credit card swiping so I use and appreciate more of what I already have.

The accomplishments I mentioned earlier may not mean anything to you, but to me they’ve made me who I am. They’ve taught me to finally trust in the timing of my life and they’ve taught me balance. These days, I find I want to immerse myself in everything. I can go to happy hour on Monday but on Tuesday I better be doing that LinkedIn learning. Yes, 40 degrees feels cold, especially at 6am, but if I just slept 7 hours there’s no reason I can’t get up and exercise and seeing the sunrise will make it payoff. Going on a date may seem like a chore but what if he will actually be the guy I marry? Or what if he's the bad date that ends somewhere near a random convenient store where I drop the coconut water I'm trying to purchase and the guy that picks it up for me is the guy I marry? Eating half a pint of mint chocolate chip Talenti after pizza (..and wings..ughh) certainly isn’t ideal but doing it once will not kill me.

I owe a giant THANK YOU to my friends, family, and roommates (who are family at this point). They've been the sounding board for these moments of uncertainty and they've stuck around to celebrate with me when I fiiinally reach these moments of clarity. I’ve always been self-conscious about my glass never feeling quite half-full or half-empty, but this year I’ll be thankful and finally at peace knowing my glass can simply be refilled.

If you do find yourself relating to anything I’ve said, I’d love for you to tell me something you currently fear as I’d like to make it part of my next post. (You can either send it through here on the contact page, comment it, email or text it to me.) Thank you all for reading and I hope you all have a truly Happy Thanksgiving!!!