"CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, GROWTH IS OPTIONAL."

As I get older I find it’s difficult for me to measure my success. Since I’m a very anxious person, this doesn’t exactly bode well. While there are certain things in my life I am fairly confidant in, there are plenty of other things I’m not and worrying about them can get beyond tiring. Living life by to-do lists might not be for everyone but I find they do work well for me since they’re a visual way of seeing my progress toward my goals. They’re also a way for me to see which goals aren’t being met though, and this can end up contributing to my anxiety. It’s especially frustrating when my long-term goals are exceeding my short-term goals. The goals that take longer to finish are generally harder to monitor and then it’s as if I’m continuously project managing myself, like a never-ending cycle of work.

Last week I had a bit of an unanticipated revelation. I was recovering from an extended weekend in Florida where I had been lucky to be a bridesmaid in the wedding of one of my best friends. The days there were spent surrounded by a good deal of people I had been closest with throughout college. Since we all rarely get to spend time together in the same place, it was only natural for us to frequently refer to things that had taken place in the past over the course of the weekend. While this provoked a lot of laughs, it did later let my mind wander. I came home that following Monday evening and spent the next few days randomly reflecting on all that had recently come to mind.

I started by really thinking about the past few years. I honed in on what I had crossed off all those lists I had made, and the things I still have not. The initial thoughts flooding in were wrapped around where I am in life, both physically and emotionally. Did I and am I making the right choices? Is where I am where I want to be? I didn’t want to resort back to harping on things that had occurred in the past but it was human instinct. Eventually though, I oddly managed to put myself at ease.

I started to remember the nights I spent with my friends in my apartment after just graduating college and the feelings I had about moving back home. I thought about how I had been so afraid. I remembered being upset about a guy who had crushed my heart. But most importantly, I remembered my friend Kristina telling me “In the grand scheme of things, none of this will matter”. And while yes, it does matter, it really doesn’t. It was a lesson learned at the time but none of it is something that still impacts me on a day-to-day basis.

Next, my mind went to my first apartment after college. I chose to move to Astoria with three random people from craigslist. It just so happened I moved in a few days before anyone else and I remembered thinking to myself when I arrived, “Wtf am I doing here?” The previous tenants had left it a mess, the refrigerator didn’t work, and I knew… no one. But then Steve, (one of my soon to be roommates) crashed on an air mattress and spent the night before even moving his own stuff in, just so that I didn’t have to be alone. (By the way, thanks for not killing me Steve. Text me if you’re reading this!) I also remembered my Dad taking the train(s) all the way back from my parent’s house the next day just to see me and keep me company. We went to brunch, drank guava mimosas, and then happily explored my new neighborhood together. After he was assured I was okay, he left me to be. The rest of the roommates moved in over the next few days, the refrigerator was replaced by the landlord after a month of us complaining, and I ended up having the time of my life with them. Each one will always hold a place in my heart and one of them I even manage to see on a regular basis (still need to see your ENGAGEMENT RING Meghan).

My next apartment was short-lived and spent with a boyfriend. I won’t get into many of the details here, but was it a great experience? Yes. Did it hurt like hell when it ended? Yes. Was it difficult to recover from? I think sometimes it still is. But at the end of the day was it worth it? Of course it was.

After moving out of Astoria, I spent four months crashing with my parents. While there I rekindled the friendships I had shared with people since as young as age 5, I was reminded of parts of myself I had forgotten, and eventually I was able to dust myself off and start a new chapter in Hoboken, the one damn city I vowed to never live in, with roommates I again, didn’t know. At the time though, it made sense demographically and geographically. I needed people, careless late nights out, a view of the NYC skyline, a place where I could run off some steam in the dark of night after a long day, and a place that would be a little bit more accessible to my friends from home and to my crazy yet amazing family. So go figure, the city I dreaded so much now happens to be the longest residence I’ve held since my days in high school. Would I want to be anywhere else? Maybe in a mansion by the ocean, San Francisco if I could afford it but in reality, no. Is this ironic? Pretty much, yeah.

Just because the 4 walls I sleep between at night change doesn't mean I have to. And quite frankly, I don't think I or anyone else for that matter can truly completely change. I'm a firm believer that we adapt, adjust and conform to our new surroundings and the given scenarios that result because of our experiences. Through mine, I've managed to learn a great deal about myself in ways I never imagined possible.

I dig down within myself a little deeper. I think about how creating this blog was a big step for me. While it’s fun, it’s also equal parts terrifying. It’s a public domain anyone can access. My current employer and my colleagues, my friends, my roommates, my parents, cousins, enemies (hiii haters), potential male suitors, ex-potential male suitors, strangers, hell – even those stranger’s parents, and then their parents (I think you get the gist). At the end of the day though, I felt and still feel like it was and is something I needed/need to do. My friends have seen more of the fun, carefree side of me, but not many others have. I don’t want to resort to expressing myself at some bar after drinking (as if my Facebook pictures don’t insinuate that I loosen up after a few). I want to be myself in real-time. I want to be the Annie who sits down after a day of work or after a run and can just express what she’s feeling at that given time. Annie still has her doubts though but what has she learned? That it’s really all okay.

While the moments of change I have been most upset or doubtful about did manage to shape me into who I am, they are trivial to how I feel today and who I can further become. So instead of wondering if I should’ve picked a different college major, or taken a year off to do something extravagant before starting my career, I realize I didn’t do those things because my situation at the time didn’t allow me the opportunity to. The choices I made instead got me working in the job role I’m in now - at a great company with great people, living in a city I’ve learned to love with more great people. There’s a lot I expected to learn and didn’t but there’s also a lot I didn’t expect to learn and did. I still have time, a lot of it as a matter of fact. I can still continue to check things off my list, like this blog for instance, but I can’t check off the big impactful moments or events that shaped me the most because those will never be able to be categorized on any sort of list. And as long as I’m getting somewhere, I’m making progress and that in turn, means I am growing.